Uncharacteristically this is going to be a long review and if you just want the usual quick fix, here it is: it’s crap.
Onto the review.
I’m a fan of comic book films, always have been. I like being able to lose myself in a fantasy world and truly letting go of major plot flaws for the sake of the effects and wild story lines. But Iron Man 3 was just too much. It was awful. As I walked out of the cinema I uttered to my friends, “That was worse than Prometheus”. That’s how bad it was.
In fact it was worse than Cosmopolis too (despite the rating).
Where to start… Well firstly, the film is backwards. The man who is bringing justice to the world by holding those accountable for their horrific war crimes is the bad guy. He’s also the man who has created a serum which fixes human beings. Again, he’s the bad guy. The good guy is the bellend millionaire, who doesn’t share well, living in a huge mansion with his trophy wife threatening lesser countries with war. Seriously.
Then there’s the story, as old as time itself. A genius scientist comes up with a serum and offers it to one of the worlds leading men who, because of his giant ego, ignores it and goes and sleeps with a woman he barely cares about. No, we’re not talking about Batman Forever, this was Iron Man 3. In fact, it would take a lot to make this film to be anywhere near Batman Forever.
Oh, and he now has a new suit which he controls by listening to Christmas music, dancing really badly and then moving his hands. You wouldn’t believe it, but this is a major plot line. The suit. The suit which he controls with his magic hands. It’s massive. Huge.
I once went out with my friends a few years ago. I’d started a new job and two weeks in we went to a pub. I drank. A lot. And after 8 or 9 pints I went to the toilet, where I proceeded to throw up everywhere and then fall asleep. I woke up to a man knocking on the door and so I readied myself for the exit, opened the door to be met with such horror on this poor mans face who must have seen/smelt/felt the terror behind me, he just walked out. I carried on drinking. I even fell asleep on the street and had to be dragged to the pavement.
I woke up the next morning with the worst hangover of my life. I’ve never topped it. I couldn’t move for fear of either vomiting all over myself or losing bowel control - it was agony. After hours of laying in a cold sweat I managed to settle myself down and get into the toilet. As I sat in front of the toilet, hunched in agony, I wished my mum was there to tell me it was ok. Tears streamed down my face as I gently sobbed and relived the hazy memory of the previous night’s escapades. As my mouth filled with saliva, indicating imminent puking, I felt the bile work it’s way up my chest and with brute force spew out into the bowl. It was awful.
There was a point in Iron Man 3 when Don Cheadle saves the President of the United States. He is stringed up wearing the “Iron Patriot” model of the Iron Man suit and as he lands and the music kicks in and the bald eagle flies in the background shedding a single tear whilst drenched in the American flag, I realised I’d rather be on that bathroom floor, crying for my mother.
It was that bad. And don’t even get me started about Pepper Potts dying, but not dying and coming back to save Iron Man from the dead and it’s all so AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHGGHGHGHG!!!!!
The only saving grace was Ben Kingsley. He and he alone is the only reason it gets 1 point.
Utterly pathetic.
1/10
Wikipedia // IMDB // Rotten Tomatoes
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